episode 247 because you don't have a character

fights relieve me. they are real. they get rid of masks. as much survival technique as anything else. a human, a tiny being in a humongous world, a human's bid to hold on, not give territory, prevail. 

a fight between true lovers is thrilling. it takes to a peak need, love, hunger, despair, desire, just about any emotion you associate with lovers and that thing they have. not too many actors can give so much of themselves and go all the way to a bridge on a desolate not too pretty road. barun sobti and sanaya irani were just plain spectacular. it was a man woman fight, a husband wife battle, a lovers' earth shattering tiff and a leap by mere mortals to claim their life back from what felt like death.

while thinking and getting into that vicious fight between asr and khushi, i was reminded of an interesting conversation i had with my nephew recently about rugby. a pretty violent game, he is suddenly very keen on it, and he had said something to me about what his coach told them about the emotions of this aggressive game. wrote to him just now and got him to quote the coach's words.

"through every emotion you can get out happiness."

"so even when you are angry after you hit, eventually you turn out to be happy."

one should check to see if one of the writers had a thing for rugby... what a superb understanding of this conflict between two who only want to make love to each other and be happy. nothing else. 

something utterly raw about the whole thing, almost like unrehearsed fights between two adults who care like hell... there's aggression, demand, mad anger, crazy hurt, wrecking desire, and no real sweet script. goes here there everywhere... to horror and accusation and then again to the most vulnerable plea... am i not important to you? the opponent finds exactly that moment not to hear what's being said and retorts, hah, so you want an explanation is it! her way of saying perhaps, what about me... don't i mean a thing to you...

"khushi," a little pause, "mujhe explain karna zaroori nahin samjha?" didn't think it was necessary to me?

it's me, me... his eyes seemed to say, his face had lost all aggression, just his need, his fond hope that he was important to her. she had that power over him always.

seeing that gentleness, she reacted so terribly normally... with anger. 

"achha toh aapko safai chahiye ki humara bartav aise kaise hai? jaise kuch hua hi nahin hai? aapko himmat kaise hui humse yeh poochhne ki..." oh so you want an explanation as to why i am behaving like this... as though nothing has happened? how dare you...

she always fought back, didn't she. and that's why perhaps he looked at her differently. from day one, she never held back, never minced her words... in fact, when he was nasty to his girl friend the way she would rave at him. and there fights always went all over the place, never quite moving along a straight line... always unfathomably real.

she had gone to give it to him by the poolside once, episode 127, and tell him why exactly people keep quiet around him, that his gussa, his aggression hurts people... he had listened to her and then thrown her completely off kilter asking her, why? why did it make a difference to her when he got engaged, what difference did it make to her? she had been completely thrown by that as he had been by the fact that she was engaged... but she had said, it made no difference whatsoever. 

anger and friction from day one, "aap kya bakwas kar rahe hain" she said to him then, to his, "tum jaisi ladkiyon ka kya, ek jayga, doosra phassa logi," today again that "phassana," trapping, accusation comes full circle... self fulfilling prophecy like, the words of that first day seemed to turn out to be true... she had trapped a "shadi shuda" married man he told her. she had done a "phassana." like shyam is this innocent who got nabbed by a scheming home wrecking khushi... girls like her are all out to ruin guys... an old old pain always messes up his judgment, makes him say terrible things.

and he hasn't held back at all today, let all his anger, his terrible sense of betrayal pour out. how could you?!!! he has raved on the terrace after that ridiculous situation where he almost lost her forever. his anger is at an unimaginable high now. relief mixing with pent up anger and frustration of a month and more, perhaps an ancient anger mixes with it too, wanting expression, expunging even.

he has held her to him, he has pushed her off vehemently.

he has called her characterless. he knows everything, he has said. 

"jaanta hoon ki tumhara aur shyam ka affair chal raha hai..." i know you and shyam have an affair on. very colloquial hindi, kinda nice and angry.

that is why he has married her. to save his di, her baby... he can do anything for his di, even marry a wretch like her... 

"in fact, you know something, itne mahino se main yeh soch raha hoon ki tum iss had tak kaise gir sakti ho... tumhe dekhkar hi mujhe..." okay it's not so many months, it's so many days... but he has been wondering how she could have fallen this low.

then he says, i should have known the moment i saw you... is he talking about the first time they met?  is he in his crazy anger admitting that was the day she had started making a difference? oh that beautiful flashback from yesterday of the first very first time he saw her and she fell into his arms, just as she is about to jump off the ledge and he has no clue if he will succeed in saving her.

everything goes haywire. he can't take it, he walks off, the angriest stare at her walking away all the while... contact he can't seem to break.

she is left stricken, speechless. smited. at last she knows. knows why he married her.

because she is a lowdown s**t. so he believes. how will khushi deal with this. any accusation on earth she might have handled... but this? and how hard she believes she has tried to protect him and his family from this painful truth... his sister's husband is not faithful.

the writer opts for a response quite typical of certain personality types, especially when the situation is colossally painful.

khushi collapses on the ground, alone, bereft, shocked, horrified, then she decides to shut up and go almost into denial... 

if the man you loved the most in the whole wide world thought you were a harlot and said that is why he married you... where would you be, how would you defend yourself against that scrum of accusations most vitriolic and gargantuan when you haven't even taken your position? you are still thinking it's all about some left over feelings for an ex girlfriend or something and getting all emotional about how you would have walked away had you known. 

when all along, it's something else. you are the one with a boyfriend. having an an illicit love affair. you are the one people need to save their helpless innocent sisters from. and he can do anything for his di. even marry you.

"tum jaisi ladki se shadi bhi kar sakta hoon" finger jabs down, "aur wohi maine kiya..." 

khushi does what khushi can. what people who are suddenly thrown such a big one often do... a sadness deep mixes with a denial bordering on hysteria. as a reaction, one can't argue with it... people react in different ways... but i felt the acting fell short. especially since the other one had taken it to a high most dizzying.

and now having said what has riven him this past month and hurting the one for whom he gives such faraq, he is trying to find solid ground again. and failing. a beautiful few minutes on a verandah with a silent man and his memories, body taut, face eloquent and thoughts that "lie too deep for tears." he hates to see her unhappy, when she says aisa kyun hota hai his heart aches, but she is saying to a man that he must leave di... khushi!!! you can feel that ache.

then khushi comes in with her happy chirpy talk.

he is flummoxed for a second, but then it only stokes his anger, did his opponent know that would be the result of her reaction? maybe her subconscious did. this is the classic "nothing" when a woman means everything is the matter i think. but in its most hysterical form... and in fact all it does is goad. 

fights are unpredictable in their twists and turns.

and so a lithe angry man must slam on the brakes and stop the car on the middle of a bridge, swing out burning with anger... walk across, pick up a framed picture and smash it on the road. break break break.

break, break, break,

on thy cold grey stones, o sea! 

and i would that my tongue could utter

the thoughts that arise in me!

~~~ alfred, lord tennyson ~~~

then he must drag her out of the car and push, badger, rave, ask for answers... how how could she do it.

and if she keeps quiet, where's her jugular... aah in the stars, go for it... go on, speak of her parents... respond to me, dammit.

how could you hurt me so much and keep quiet.

howww?

stray thought... when othello found out about desdemona or so he thought... he killed her, tom jones has told us what happened to my my my delilah when she was unfaithful. when men find out their lovers or those they love madly may have a sexual liaison on with another man, something goes crazy... there is often killing involved... and it is understood as a crime of passion. asr had to do something huge that night as reaction... he forced her to become his, he married her, he couldn't throw her away... maybe because he knew the other option would be what... this is not a man of small feelings... nothing that night would have led to a nice meaningful chat over coffee and masala tea. because not only were a man's arms around his woman, she was screaming and telling the man to get rid of his wife... confirming she, khushi kumari gupta, was party to this whole despicable unbearable thing. as a kid, my cousin and i would often get into arguments and he he most often i beat him, once he was so angry, he hopped up and down and threatened me, if i don't behave, he'd marry me and take me to my sasural, show me his power. i think this dragging women off to tribal enclosures and showing them who's the boss may be an ancient cave man, male thing... well whatever it is, with those feelings, nothing could have been rational that night... thank g the writer chose this option... and most touchingly after that, no sexual assault, none.

coming back to the bridge over turbulence.

"that's enough... enough!!!!"

what do you think, i am going to forget everything so easily... don't pretend you don't know what i am talking about...

why is he doing this i wonder. does he want confirmation or negation...

i think a part of him wants to hear it is not true. and another can't take it that she seems unscathed while he is dying like this...

at last khushi starts to thaw a bit.

"actually, tumhe toh koi faraq hi nahin padta..." actually, it makes no difference to you, "shayad issiliye mujhe explain karna zaroori nahin samjha..." perhaps that's why you didn't think it was necessary to explain anything. how badly he needs her to say, heck he does matter... baat aapki hai, she will say soon. in all his rant what's getting lost is, baat tumhari hai, khushi... that's why he can't think sanely.

a sad empty voice... "shayad kuch kahne ko tha hi nahin..." perhaps there was nothing to say.

and anger returning, "aur hoga bhi kaise, kyun ki tum achhi tarah jaanti ho, ki tum galat ho.." how would you say anything, you know you are wrong. the woman he loves is galat. the man who so wanted to be sahi, loves the galat girl... irony of life, never fails to wham you.

he is relentless... you are great at hiding your mistakes, it's sad that your and my family love you so much... "kyunki tum unke pyaar ko deserve nahin karti..." because you don't deserve that love...  he doesn't know it's his love for her he speaks of, of course.

he can't stop, he goes no... he needs a response... crosses the line... 

"achha hai ki tumhare mom aur dad aaj yeh din dekhne ke liye zinda nahin hai..." very asr trait this line crossing with her...

not a word, not ek shabd about my amma babu ji, khushi opens her mouth at last.

he seems to relax a bit... at last she speaks, and he doesn't mean to back off. he needs a face off, a battle with her... all that has been pent up in him this month and more... it needs to work itself out ... a right royal fight with her is needed. i love this humanness of asr, earthy, real, flawed. it is hard to be a mortal really.

"kyun?"

nasty nasty tone.

push her... what have i said wrong... you say your parents have become stars, so how do you meet their eyes.

bas!

yes, he is drawing blood...

not a word about my parents.

he watches her intently. he is looking for something... constantly at her he looks again and again ever since that terrace.

as though his life depended on it.

silence... she sees her raised finger.. he just waits.. waits for her to say something... he is perplexed by everything.

she tries to take back calm again.

humey ghar jaana chahiye... we should go home.

but no way... we are not leaving this place till i have answers to my questions. so he has sawal and wants jawaab...

he always gets physical when angered... hauls her to another part of the road and faces her... he wants answers... what answers.

they will not leave, till he knows how come despite getting such a good upbringing, she could go so low.

in the middle of rising chaos, he did break out into that beseeching almost "mujhe explain karna zaroori nahin samjha" like he just needed her to say, it's all nothing, just a lie... but then things again went haywire as it must.

his anger returned. and she raved. why did you not ask for this clarification that night when you forced me to marry you and that too for six months...

something from 127, there were bits of this bridge even there, even perhaps in episode 2. and many places along the way.

"each of us is born with a box of matches inside us but we can't light them all by ourselves."~~~ laura esquivel, like water for chocolate ~~~

......................

because you don't 
have a character episodes
episode rambles
fanfiction